Alien vs. Predator (2004)

Today, I am going to review a movie that brings together the two most lethal extraterrestrials in the universe, Alien and Predator. We have always remembered their rampant and violent crusades in their respective titles: Alien (1979), Aliens (1986), Alien3 (1992) and Alien Resurrection (1997), Predator (1987), Predator 2 (1990) and Predators (2010). Most of these titles have been received positively or negatively for one reason or another, and I am going to see why this very movie has been harshly derided.

So we start with an image of what appears to be a satellite in space: it appears to have found something in Antarctica and is beaming the findings back to a satellite receiving station, owned by the Weyland Industries. You've got to admit, that scene was very brief and very disturbing as far as those technicians' faces are concerned.

Now we suddenly jump to a scene in the Lho La Ice Fall, Nepal where we meet our female protagonist, Ms Alex Woods. While she climbs ice she receives a phone call from Maxwell Stafford. She has been requested on a mission, but she reminds him that she won't be able to make it in less than a week. But get this: Stafford has already been waiting for her at the very spot she was to alight! Now here's one question: how does a helicopter land where it cannot be seen without being heard at the same time?! I mean, this defies reality that helicopters hover so loudly that they can be heard over 1 km from the ground. This is beyond belief!

Now we are transferred to another location, Teotihuacan, Mexico. Here, a couple of down-on-their-luck archaeologists have been recruited by Stafford--looks like good things have come to them that wait! How does he even do it without drawing anyone's attention to himself, anyway?

So the team has been assembled to Antarctica, and what do we get? Cliched characters, all of whom I shan't give a damn about. We do not even get any suspense in this movie, the very thing that was prominent in both universes--what we get is a moment where, instead of a Predator or an Alien, we get a penguin. Really? Not what I think should be a part of this movie. And since when do penguins live far from the coastlines of the Antarctic?

So the team finally venture to the depths of the ice and find something never seen before. Yet, they all stand around like frozen people, not intrigued or anything. But if you think nothing intrigues them, look at what was inscribed onto the walls, only more cubist.
I mean come on, who would even think of that? That's like an exact design superimposed into the set.

And check this, some guy unknowingly steps on a stone which opens up a hatch that releases the Alien queen. And look around, fire is burning; can fire just burn perpetually without choking? I don't think so.

If you see the cover it is rated 15 (in the UK). But hang on a minute! The previous movies from their respective universes were always rated 18 (UK); so why the lower rating?! I thought to myself that there was going to be a dilution of the best things from the previous titles--gore, strong language, bloody violence, and horror. This has all been watered down for the younger audience: all just to make a quick buck.

We start at the beginning. You have to admit, the human characters do a very decent job in making me cringe with their blank faces, always pulling them as though they have facial spasms or something. Most of their dialogue is dry; even their swearing is somewhat dampened (the very essence of the Alien and Predator universe). If you constantly look at their faces, they look as though they have forgotten where they are and what their role is. We do not even see or hear about their presence in the beginning, and soon start to forget what this movie is called again. Instead, we have to sit through and listen to their banter, and forget why they are journeying into the depths of the Antarctic ice. (Wait, we already know. They are searching for the lost pyramid beneath the ice! Wow! Ever learned that in history before? Don't think so.)

What is not plausible is the geography. There were (and are still) no pyramids in the Antarctic when the continent was one with Australia. I already learned as a primary pupil that the earth was once known as Pangaea; this was when all the continents of the earth, lush and ice-free, were fused. Even after that, there was no Aztec-like civilization anywhere else on the planet than in South America. Neither can it just say that all three cultures--Egyptian, Cambodian and Aztec--have been occupying the temple. This movie cannot just rewrite history. This is one big distortion in history that should never have been allowed!
 

And since when is the aurora borealis visible in the southern hemisphere?! Why else would it be called the northern lights?!

After all that, we finally cut to a brief shot of, finally, the Predators suiting up for what they are known for! At last! I thought I was going to fall asleep before this point. But before we get to see their ferocious encounters, we are treated to more uninteresting dialogue, in which I will not be going into detail. Don't you wish that the so-called alien species would show up and start their bloodshed already? Isn't this movie called Alien vs. Predator? The boredom just keeps building up by the minute.

So the team finally venture to the pyramid and stumble unto the unexpected. We finally see what we have been eagerly anticipating: the Alien! But that has to wait as we now find another alien species to cause havoc: the Predator! Alright! Let these aliens steal the show already! We want to see the action as defined by the title! This is also the moment where the Predators prove how dumb and sloppy these human characters turn out to be. And you do have you ask yourself this: how do they even know how to read the calligraphy imprinted on the stone walls? All in three ancient languages?
We also find out that this large Alien is the queen of all Aliens. That's right, she lays all the eggs, and it's not a pretty sight to see! (This makes me squeamish and nauseated.)

If there is something that I find more annoying, it is the music that plays louder than any of the human characters can speak! I mean, it's hard to understand what they are saying when they are in a movie, isn't it? Sure the dialogues are just plain poorly thought out, but please at least we should hear something already. To top that up have to be their expressionless faces.

But there is more to this movie than the characters: the constant shifting of the stone structures. I have to be frank, that has to be innovative; a room that shifts like a Rubik's cube. How clever. That has to be a genuine special effect. It works more advanced than the Egyptian booby traps!

Again, whenever these walls within the pyramid shift, this is where the characters show slow or no rapid reaction to the situation. They all stand around like dummies until someone is trapped at the last minute. This is one hell of a lifeless ride with these douches around.

Another strange thing: did that wall with an Alien print just open and close according to the characters entry and exit respectively? I thought they were timed to automatically shift every ten minutes. (I still do not know how one of the characters was able to work that out!)

You have to be frankly harsh: these people just don't know when to elapse into a state of panic when they see something that they have never seen before in their entire life, or when their lives are in mortal danger! It is just laughable as they sit there waiting to be decapitated by Aliens before they switch on their panic button!

But at least you do get to enjoy the duels between the Alien and Predator--isn't that what the title of the movie implies? And don't forget the computer-enhanced effects, especially where the Predator medically examines a sick explorer (why he volunteered for this mission anyway is beyond me) for any illness on different spectra. Of course they have enhanced the graphic since their last debut in the previous years when the computers were still rudimentary. But one moment: how is it that in the 'flashback' Aliens swarm on a Predator, but in this case we hardly see the same thing progressively? And who would pay their money just to see 'an Alien making out with a Predator'?!!! (<gulp>)
But there is one big flaw this movie has to add: a human alliance with the Predator? No way! That goes against all that the fans of previous installments from respective universes had believed in. There is no way that there should be an alliance between the 'primitive' human and the ruthless, violent Predators! After what we have seen in the previous movies, IT JUST DOESN'T WORK!!! What was this movie's tagline? "Whoever Wins...We Lose " So such an alliance would be questionable. "The enemy of my enemy is my friend" my ass!!!

Ho, here it is; the boss lady wants to negotiate with the Predator! How is this going to work? Surely Predators are not the negotiating type. I don't know and I don't care. But we have seen how she does it, although it is not expected to be that easy. And why should it be? In both titles, the Predators make no contact with humans or reveal their whereabouts at all, except where a human adversary pursues him relentlessly; or if the Predator is intent on killing him personally, knowing that his adversary won't be able to tell of his existence. This one the Predator just forms an alliance with the boss lady.

Seriously, you have got to be kidding me! An Alien's head and tail for weapons! That is surely laughable. How will that help when the Alien queen is about to break loose and wreak havoc on the earth?!
Here's that infamous line that has reoccurred in the two previous Predator movies:

"You are one...ugly mother-!"
This one is not quoted adequately in this movie. It was poorly spoken. Fail. Oh yeah, it was just cut deliberate attempt to hide the infamous profanity, EVEN THOUGH THE PROFANITY WAS QUOTED PRIOR TO THIS MOMENT!!! Why slash and burn the very elements that made the previous titles so spectacular?!!! (Did the writers think the Alien could finish it for her?! Aliens do not talk!!!)

And there is one very big plot hole: the Alien's blood is highly corrosive--in fact so corrosive that it was evident in Alien that it could burn through every layer of metal on the ship. Yet in this movie, it doesn't cause the same amount of damage to organic tissues. This is one blatant plot hole.

Another one is this: the Alien queen was subdued when a water tower was tethered to her by the chain, and dragged underwater with her. Impossible. That tower looked as though it was empty and had not been in use at all in Antarctica. So how was all that possible?

Another point to add: recall the flashback where the Predators visit the ancient civilization. Would anyone swallow this tripe that it was they who taught the Aztecs how to build pyramids? And why would they bring the Aliens to earth? And who bound up the Alien queen in the first place? If she was there, how did she not wreak havoc on the earth prior to the hunt, even before the modern day?!

Who would think that the Predators would be called 'gods', even though it was they that initiated the hunt, Alien vs Predator, and annihilated all in existence if they lost? No one in this movie would even swallow all that crud! Not me in particular.

Well that concludes my review. If you have already seen the movie, it will do me justice by not revealing what happened after this showdown. So let me sum this up: the plot was thin, the characters were all lifeless, their acting was awkward and their dialogue was pretty tacky. Nevertheless, they were just served up for the monsters to prey on and decapitate when the time came. At least we can praise the special effects as an improvement since our last encounters form previous movies. Apart from all that, it was a pure disappointment.