Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)

What I have here is another movie based on a series of video games, Tomb Raider. In the series is a female protagonist known as Lara Croft; she is currently listed in the Guinness World Records as the "Most Successful Human Virtual Game Heroine", and is remembered for her physique and skills. So a movie was created to cash in on her success; so was it successful commercially and critically? Or, like other video game movies, did it suffer heavily? So let's find out as we explore the movie, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.

So we are shown the opening credits to the film, after which we see our heroine prowling the ruins of some temple or whatever. Whoa, she makes her appearance just as she does in the video games. Terrific! But then, she is intercepted by some machine--where did it come from? Who sent the robot? We do not know but just watch Lara (Angelina Jolie) retaliate as it wrecks the place. You have got to love her as she delivers her role perfectly. It's just what a video game movie needs.
Whoa! Hold on. Did she just command that robot to stop? Well, it appears that it was all just a training session. Better yet anyway.

You know, I really relish the moment she dumps her modesty, even in front of her butler (James Hillary, played by Chris Barrie)! Now, this is where I think the dialogue sounds pretty offensive considering that she flaunts her modesty and her femininity.
After that intricate moment in her mansion, we are taken to another location in Venice, Italy, where a congregation are concerned with something to do with the planetary alignment. Now listen to all this dialogue and see if you can actually digest all the jargon. Oh, this congregation belongs to the Illuminati--notice that pyramid with an eye in it.



We now jump back to the mansion, where Lara discloses her fear of the 15th. Why? Two coincidental reasons:

1. Her father, Lord Richard Croft (Jon Voight), died May 15th 1985
2. The planetary alignment happens on the same day at the time of this film being made.

And if you observe the supposed images of the planets, they look as if they are not to scale; they look as if they are all identical.

And get this flashback: it operates at slow-motion--what for? Does it build up tension to the very point where it gets suspicious? Sorry, but this is not the only moment as we will see more unnecessary use of slow-motion. Well, the flashback awakens Lara because of an old clock that keeps on ticking. Wait, a clock hidden in a bale of hay behind a wooden panel, can make enough noise to attract her attention? Sorry, I don't buy this. But hey, why gripe about it?
(Oh and a little note: do these English persons only profane with the term, bugger? I mean, is that the only thing that comes to mind? How about trying something different.)



You know, for a movie based on the Tomb Raider series, I myself would be expecting some heart-racing action instead of sitting through endless boredom.
Lara has a mysterious relic resembling a clock or something; yet she seems to be unable to learn of its significance with the alignment.



So after that sequence of boring events, Lara's quietude is broken as her mansion is raided by Alpha commandos. Finally we get the action we paid money to see. Let's get the video game in this movie already! It's really invigorating to see that the raiders have a hard time trying to shoot at Lara as they jump around on bungee harness.



Things get even tighter when they attempt to steal the relic clock. One of those moments, possibly from the video game itself, is relived as she mounts a motorcycle and flies sideways executing an assault on the adversaries. Purely marvelous.



Oh, and turns out that the Illuminati are responsible for the intrusion and theft from the Croft mansion.



As with video game movies, we hear more pointless dialogue. After that, Lara receives mail from somebody supposed to be her father. We get a message of her father which tells us of impending doom which Lara must prevent. (Is it me or do all these American actors do a half-decent job of forging English accents? Even Jon Voight has made his third attempt in doing so. Couldn't they get real English actors to play their counterparts properly?)
So Lara flies to Cambodia where she must find the first half of the triangle. In the other end of the location, you've really got be kidding me when you see how little or no effort is being put into tearing down the temple doors. But Lara has found a less torturous entrance to the temple. (Are you suggesting that these dimwits did not search for an easier route to the temple that Lara just found? They must be pretty oblivious and always preferred the hard way to doing things.)
So Lara ventures into the temple and, as she does in the video games, faces perilous booby traps and slippery climbs, all before making it to the centerpiece of the temple.
So after that perilous adventure, we get some more cheesy dialogue as Alex West (Daniel Craig) makes a pretty erratic excuse for a countdown. (You know, I don't know how he manages to keep the pacing even despite frequent interruptions from every source. How does anyone work out the mechanics of the alignment.)

So when Lara convinces them to release the key, she successively unlocks the hidden piece of the prize. Unfortunately, this, for unknown reasons, awakens stone statues to life. You know, some of the statues can suffer damage from fire arms; but the main statue just won't take a hit form anything, except the rocking beam with a spike at the front! Right! Who would have thought of that?! This is definitely typical of a video game scenario.
And in order to get away, Lara jumps into a waterfall. Yeah, even without knowledge as to whether it was safe or perilous.
You I know, we could all do with more of Lara Croft in the shower and then walking naked in the room; but NOT with Alex Wood doing the routine! I mean, the maidservant's reaction to that would be exactly how one of us would have reacted. We certainly don't need that at all.

So Lara and the gang make it to the ice land of Siberia, Russia, where they are on a hunt for the second half of the triangle. And then she come across a mysterious girl who knows of her intents--I think she is the same one from Cambodia who always appears and disappears in scenes.
So they venture deep into the icy ruins, only to find what appears to be the obstacle course from a TV game show, Wipeout. Seriously, who came up with this idea? This is not suitable for a video game movie.
You know, I have no idea as to how the planetary alignment has anything to do with acquiring power over space and time. (Again, another image of planets in alignment, not at a correct scale so that they all appear to be close to each other. Defiance of astrology.)

This is where Manfred Powell (Iain Glen) begins to annoy me so much: throughout this movie, his pomposity, making himself sound like Lucifer all the time, talking like a man with power so that Lara would always comply with him at desperate of times, really gives me a headache. At least Lara, due to the short amount of time to manipulate time itself, is able to finally give him his comeuppance. Good riddance to bad garbage.
However, that is short-lived as Manfred and Lara duel it off the final time. You know, I find this guy to be a big coward: he uses all of his brute force to assault a woman, but doesn't even have the guts to beat up a man without using guns or knives. Pathetic. At least he died from mortal wounds.

So she with her huskies makes her quick exit from the ruins as they crumble. But, without giving us any scene where Alex Wood reunites with Lara as a sign of her well-being, we suddenly jump back to her mansion. That was just abrupt. And why were Bryce (Noah Taylor) and the butler shocked at her wearing a dress? Guess they haven't seen her wear one before. At least we end with her doing what she does best on her training.

It seems I can see why critics were not positive towards this movie: not only is the plot hard to swallow, every other character apart from Angelina Jolie, fails to deliver. They try everything to add humor but fail, only to give us something to frown at. As I observed before, they seem to rush the whole transition from one location in the movie to another without sustaining a flow in the movie. But nevertheless, the video game aspect of this movie is intact and is worthy of its box office success.

Anaconda (1997)

I first heard of this horror movie as an eleven-year-old preteen--and yes, at the time I thought it was kick-ass! It was original; it was heart-stopping; it was gripping! But now, fifteen years later, it has gone sour. It is what I thought it was now. It is now a movie full of wooden characters, cheesy effects and blatant inaccuracies. Give it some credit: at least these events take place in a real jungle in the Amazon, not in some studio; J-Lo and Ice Cube star leading roles and the unforgettable puppetry that outpace the elementary computer effects of the 1990's.
Here's how a monster movie, ANACONDA, has turned out to be one of the most unbelievably lackluster movies of the 1990's.

 We go to a prologue that sets the whole story in the Amazon--WRITTEN IN RED on a black background! Who on earth thought a normal person can read that?! That is enough to strain the eyes! Good job, people! We are told  that anacondas can grow to forty feet in length, and that--this one is downright implausible!--they have an insatiable appetite so that they regurgitate and then kill again! Hello?! This is a load of tripe! Anacondas are not psychopaths: they only kill when at their very weakest and are threatened! And another thing: if these snakes kill, why would anybody worship these creatures!? Implausible! Talk about slander! This prologue is pure tripe! I'm skipping this crud!

Now we jump to the scenes near the river itself while the opening credits are rolling, until we zoom into a boat that turns out to be stranded with a poacher in it. He appears to be agitated about something--why? Other than the piranhas which can't harm anyone unless they are in the water, I don't see why he should believe his life is in peril. But then we see why: an unknown creature is stalking him, and demonstrates its brute force by impaling the wooden floor of the boat. Okay, if this thing can break through the wooden floor, why does it take long to track and devour its victim?!

Alright I don't see any point in this nonsense just to start up the fear factor. FAIL!!! (Even the ominous music wasn't enough to instill the fear into me.) And the poacher has a pistol--why doesn't he use it to shoot the creature which just progresses very slowly?! And at the end he just turns the gun on himself--pointless! He already is about to be devoured, so why kill himself?! Not a convincing start to a monster movie. This where I say was a moment of unintentional humor.

We jump to the next scene with this leading documentary personnel Terri Flores and Steven Cale. They are on a mission to track down the "Shirishama"--I don't even want to look deeper into this!--and the boredom begins! Wow, I never saw the beginning of this to the movie as a child, and now I am glad I didn't. For a horror movie, it just throws at us a boring start with mishaps by the characters aboard the boat. It is from this point when the characters begin to mortify themselves with random, laughable dialogues. As they venture down the Amazon they film their progress for their documentary. As they do so they encounter a stranded adventurer, Paul Serone; something about this guy appears to implicate him as a sinister character as we find out that he and the driver of the boat, Mateo, are at loggerheads--not helped by Serone's creepy look on his face.

After they rescue him, he agrees to find the Shirishama tribe--they put their trust in a man that Mateo clearly distrusts. Now tell me, should they trust a man they have never known in their entire lives even though he just revealed that he traps snakes for a living?! Unfortunately they do, without asking Mateo if he knows about him at all! There is no explanation whatsoever! Mateo never even warns them of his devious tendency. <Whaa,Whaa,Whaa> They are definitely asking for trouble!

Let's skip to a scene where things really start to unwrap: Mateo is the first to be killed by an anaconda--yes, the same one that killed the poacher earlier and even killed an innocent jaguar which was just sitting around doing nothing threatening! One minute Mateo was looking into the marshes while trying to recover himself in the water; the next minute they suddenly jump to the first attack by the killer snake as if Mateo knew it was just there the whole time and yet stood there waiting for it to strike! Was he posing for a C.G.I. scene design or something, and they forgot to insert the scene for suspense? Seriously, the suspense was just not there! This is no way to make a horror movie! Meanwhile back on the boat, Serone unravels a roll of snakeskin, and this freaks everyone out. Really? Anacondas are supposed to be that big?! Sorry, not buying it; and I'm certainly not buying the fallacy of snake facts:

• Anacondas are not a perfect killing machine;
• They do not crush bones and explode blood vessels;
• They may smell heat, but they do not have heat pits;
• They cannot grow to forty feet in three or four years;
• And most importantly, they do not eat people!

I keep on forgetting to mention the occasions where he makes that nightmarish grin on his face! Gee, stop that, you're even more ghoulish than the snake is fearsome! This guy is definitely disclosing his dream goals to the passengers on bold--really, did they actually believe he was going to help them on their documentary expedition? Please.

We skip to the centerpiece of the movie: yes, this is the most notorious scene in the movie--snake-fishing! Serone actually uses the dead monkey as bait, with the crew on board! Now tell me: do anacondas actually inhabit the water as fish? NO!!!! Snakes are reptiles, NOT FISH!!! Who thought this was a good idea?! Who thought it would be innovative to portray an anaconda as a shark?! This is a crock of s**t!!!!! Well Gary, you assured us that Serone would help get you lot out alive, even though he clearly revealed his intentions to catch an enormous anaconda, even if it meant compromising a human life! What is wrong with you, man?! Now you're dead! Too bad. And this is where the C.G.I. of the time looks obviously fake: where the snake coils around Gary, it does not blend with the background. After Gary's demise, Serone turns authoritarian on the remaining members on board, and boy I wonder if they regretted ever rescuing him from earlier on.

Let's move forward. The boat runs aground, and the crew have to force it back into the river--leaving Serone alone on the boat with Denise who can barely harm a fly without hesitating or yielding to his snares! Gee, how dumb: have they forgotten how devious Serone is even when tied up?! These people are so dense!!! Of course, he kills her, dumps her body into the river and then reaches for the knife to liberate himself. That is when the snake strikes again--this is one of scenes where the audiences couldn't help but raise their eyebrows. Here, the snake enacts one of those tensions where it stalks like a shark in the water before making a kill--remind you of anything!? Is this movie trying to be original?! Nope. Just a ripoff from the blockbuster Jaws. It kills another crew member, Westridge (Thank goodness! This guy is so annoying when trying to fake a posh accent!), but does not devour him even after hanging from a tree and crushing him to death. (There is no snake that has the strength to do all this with ease.)  I continues to make a kill, by targeting Danny (played by the African-American rapper, Ice Cube) (Really, it killed and them dumped Westridge who is much more slender only to prey on Danny who is much larger?! I can't imagine it actually trying to gorge on him so easily even if it actually kills him! Does this snake like to kill anything that moves?! It sounds like the Hellraiser or something!) But its rampage comes to an end when Terry picks up the rifle and shoots it in the head three times. Now Surely, a single shot to the head is enough to kill it, isn't it? This angers Serone, who happens to then turn the rifle on Danny--like why? He did not kill your prized snake! Well thankfully, Cale recovers and then sedates Serone before he could commit another atrocity on the boat and Danny jettisons him from the vessel.

Now we finally enter the climax, where we happen to find another snake! Now wait a minute, I thought this movie was called Anaconda, not Anacondas! Did the filmmakers think that one wasn't enough! I mean please, what more torture do these people want to subject us to?! Yes, Danny and Terri wander into an abandoned warehouse where they find plenty of fuel for the boat; only to be ambushed by Serone. He entraps them as bait and soils them in monkey blood (what does this guy have against monkeys anyway?!) and demonstrates powdered human bones. (Dude, wake up. No snake can crush human bones to dust; it's nowhere near possible.) Then the black anaconda emerges from the rooftop. There are so many features that play with one's intelligence:

Did this thing actually float its way down like it was lightweight, because it cannot be any longer than forty feet to recede unto the ground level?

Who thought that anacondas could climb up a ladder and a smokestack at breakneck speed faster than Serone could and the poacher from the opening scene? Who thought anacondas could propel themselves forward at such unimaginable speeds? No way. It's not possible.

Did these writers do their homework at all? No anaconda can ingest and regurgitate their prey in an instant; they take up to two hours to do that. This is the very scene which rather disappointed the audience and critics alike, and lovers of snakes.

How is it that the same snake that could break free from the net, is unable to break free from a simple pickax and a grapple iron?

These implausible feats were all amassed into this very scene, and I am going to sum it all up. The snake is killed when a tonne of fuel ignited below sets it ablaze and then Danny strikes it in the head. They remaining crew find the Shirishama and finish the project before setting off into the sunset (so cliched!).

What can I say about the movie? Well, it so bad it's good; but it spawned a generation of monster snake movies which tanked at the box office and attracted more negative reviews than this movie, and spawned a generation of wooden acting, risible dialogue, stereotypical and cardboard characters, poor scripts and weak stories. If anyone loves snake movies, please avoid its loose sequels as they have done worst than this one.