Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)

Now here is a movie that was once hinted to be in the works. It appeared behind an instruction manual belonging to the Final Fantasy IX video game. I have been the one who would play Final Fantasy IX over and over again, often motivated to develop the skills and personalities of the characters, even before Final Fantasy X and X-2. Here is what I loved about the game, besides the game play: the humor, the character development, the plot(s), and even the timeline.
So after the movie came out, I had read about its performance in the box office and how it fared against the expectations of the critics and fans alike. So to see why this movie was an extremely detrimental bomb and received mixed reviews from critics, I am going to take the time to watch and examine this video game movie.

You have to be frank, the C.G.I. is visually superior even at the time of its making. The characters all look so realistic that they look like real people. This is near high-definition.

When I thought of a movie based on the video game series, I was thinking it was set in the same timeline as the video games themselves; but it is not. It is set in the year 2065 AD, the earth (no, it is not called Gaia) is ravaged by alien forces known as phantoms, and the human race is on the verge of extinction. The earth has a spirit called the Gaia--what a way to go--which can be harmed if it were subjected to laser blasts. Now most would call that implausible, and contrary to the stories from the Final Fantasy games.

Now let's look at the characters: we have Dr Aki Ross, Dr Sid, Captain Gray Edwards, Ryan, Jane, Neil, commanders from the Deep Eyes Squadron. Aki Ross is constantly having all these dreams in which phantoms are constantly plaguing her (she does reveal that they are swarming within her, weakening her will to ward them off).
Let me just be direct: most of these characters are thinner than paper; they lack the growing personalities of their video game counterparts; and there was probably little or no chemistry between any of the characters. Speaking of which, there was between Gray and Ross, but that seemed damp and lukewarm.
They don't even last long enough on screen as they killed off even before the film really starts to take off. We do not see much in them except that they bicker from time to time, or just do the job of annoying us by talking too much.

When I think of the Final Fantasy games, I think of journeys to certain locations where the role leads encounter dangerous enemies and engage in battles--battles where we see special skills, physical and magical, unleashed at incredible levels. But that is missing here, and we only see one kind of enemy, which doesn't work to my expectation as a Final Fantasy fan.
But at least there is hardly any fault to find in this movie; it's just the essential elements integral to the games this movie was based on.

The Last Airbender (2010)

I once watched a cartoon series on Nickelodeon, Avatar: The Legend of Aang (alternately titled Avatar: The Last Airbender in North America), and enjoyed every moment of it. It was vibrant; the characters, especially Aang, were dynamic and full of life. There was action and even humor--something that made the whole series so lovable and garnered so many fans across the generation.
So when I learned that a live-action movie based on the series was going to be released in cinemas, I was eager to finding out how it was going to fare in the box office. (I did not have the motivation to check it out myself as I wasn't very keen to spend any money as a true fan would.) Would it be as spectacular as its source material? That was my very expectation, until...

...I heard that the movie was a critical disaster. Now I have watched the movie to understand how it was such a critical flop. Talk about false advertising. I had researched on the web to study Nickelodeon movies and understand how they fared in the media--and it was not favorable. Like mainstream movies, most of the Nickelodeon movies were either negatively or positively received even if they grossed at the box office; and this one was no exception. However, this is not the first and only movie to receive any nomination for a razzie, but is the only movie to win more razzies than Imagine That (2009).
So I  reluctantly purchased the DVD by chance, and I shall now take my time to see why the movie was universally condemned.
Firstly, you do have to be very incensed at they way they mispronounce their character names: in the movie,  "Aang" is pronounced as "Ahng" instead of "Ang" (rhymes with "bang"); and there are many more deliberate mispronunciations to come.
Remember the animation? Doesn't Aang look so lively and high in spirit? Isn't this what movie-goers were expecting from him and his friends? To be a child, a 12-year-old who wants to have fun and be a normal person aside from the worldwide tensions? I mean this is what made the series so popular that even I couldn't get enough of it (now I wish I did watch every episode in each season). Why should he be enraged at moments which were not relevant in the series (such as the death of monks)? That is just atypical.
Even the backgrounds in the series could captivate our eyes nonetheless; a lush and aesthetic view to boot. We all knew Aang was hard to detest, and he would truly live in us as a lovable boy.
But this movie brings this poor boy and the series to disrepute, and I wish Shyamalan HELL!
So Aang (Noah Ringer) cannot have a normal life? He cannot have a family? That's why he ran away from the monastery?! Come on, man! How can you change the Avatar's back story like that??!! Look at Wikipedia and see for yourself why Aang ran away (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avatar:_The_Last_Airbender). That's not the Aang we all know from the animated series. In fact, from the first few minutes, he have seen nothing from the series: Aang is just blank in his personality, he is no more playful but is now hard-laden like a wooden statue. We don't even see anyone having fun or making jokes with each other; it's all just bad acting and flimsy dialogues which I fail to understand. Humor is just desiccated.
Here's what's even more deficient: there is no chemistry between Aang and Katara (Nicola Peltz). In the animated series, we have witnessed hilarious moments where Aang has always shown his strong affections to Katara, which we all delighted in. But here, there is not even a slight spark of romance between the two of them.
In fact, all of the actors are terrible in their job; they are all lifeless and frigid. You can always see by their facial expressions how they only do their jobs by infuriating us viewers, critics, and fans of the animated series. Throughout this film, you can always see from Aang's face that he is always miserable and has no living spirit whatsoever.

You can also see from the cast that they do not resemble their animated counterparts in anyway: in this movie, the protagonists are all white while the antagonists are all dark-skinned while the reverse is the case in the animated series. Does this suggest any intentional racial degradation still blighting in Hollywood in this day and age? (Of course we still are reminded that the characters here lack the personalities of their anime equivalents.) I do not want to be derisory in terms of race, but isn't it even ironic that Shyamalan gave the dark-skinned cast the roles of villains and the white cast the roles of heroes while he himself is dark-skinned? I'm sure it is.
And by the way, what's with Iroh?! That's not him at all; it's the Train Man from The Matrix Revolutions! Bogus!

In the animation, you can see how the special effects define the moment Aang enters the Avatar State.  None of the effects in the movie could surpass the power of the Avatar which was correctly depicted in the animation. This is so inadequate. In fact, the 'special' effects in the movie do not deserve to be called special; rather just rudimentary as opposed to the ones in the animated scenes.

Look at the choreography: most of them, even Aang, do not perform it as astoundingly as their animated counterparts; they act like it takes complex rather than simple maneuvers to do it. In fact on this note, every fight sequence is just so sub-par that you would just be bored to death just before the next sequence of events.

I would like to point out that while typing I could not even be bothered to watch every minute of this scum. I can see that it would have been better than to even watch it painfully if I had always been watching every episode on TV. I would have been dreading every moment of it to the depth of my stomach.

How impressive(!) I shall again do my best to finish my review after watching this disappointing glop! But I do know one thing: this movie now belongs to Wikipedia's list of the worst movies of all time, and if I were to watch the entire animated TV series, I would surely be much harsher and unreserved in my review. AND IF HE THINKS THAT ANYBODY WOULD WANT A SEQUEL, FORGET IT!!!!!!!!!! We'd rather have a reboot than a sequel. Or better yet, a termination of the trilogy altogether !!! I'll tell you now: this has to be the worst movie ever since Battlefield Earth (2000)--in fact, this is the Battlefield Earth of Nickelodeon Movies--and if a sequel were green-lighted it will be the biggest box office bomb since Cutthroat Island (1995)!

Oh by the way, I found a link which displays all the 61 episodes of Avatar. Watch it and see for yourself if you haven't watched the entire series before.
http://www.animedreaming.tv/anime/avatar-the-last-airbender/

This just in: I have just watched episode 57 (season 3, chapter 17) of the series and discovered that it was an acid test to the Shyamalan movie. If you have watched this episode, you would have realized that it was a giveaway that this movie was in production and was predicted to be universally condemned despite its abundance of 'decent' special effects. This episode proved that turning any of the seasons of this series into a movie would be a disastrous step; hence the producers of the show created this play as a parody of the movie before its release into the theaters. I have seen for myself the overwhelmingly negative reception that would have been (and has been) garnered from the play that parodies the movie, and understood that the producers of this show were dismayed that the live-action version was green-lighted despite the poor script and miscast of the characters. In other words, the play was an analogy while the episode itself was a simulation experiment.

Spawn (1997)

   

I have never heard of this guy, and I never will. I only watched this movie to review how it was one of the comic book movies of the 1990s that began to slide in popularity, and failed to kick-start the film franchises based on the protagonists.
I cannot be sure how to begin my review until I study his profile and understand what made him so popular in the first place. So why was this movie a gross disappointment? Well I shall begin to examine this puke. This is typical of what we read on the back of a VHS case:

"Spawn. The scarred warrior and fearless dark hero with the skills of an assassin, the warrior of an extraterrestrial army and the supernatural ability to transform himself into an extraordinary arsenal of shapes and textures. Here, Todd McFarlane's comic book hero is brought to the screen in this special edition, director's cut of the movie."

Wasn't that a load of fallacy, noting the mediocre performance at the box office?

So what was this pig-goo all about? Al Simmons (Michael Jai White) is an assassin. He works for a cover government agency. After a disagreement on his assignment, he is killed by Jessica Priest (Melinda Clarke) under the orders of Jason Wynn (Martin Sheen). He is sent to hell and, after five years, returns to earth under condition that, having brokered a deal with a devil, he leads the army of hell-spawn to unless Armageddon.

As any critic would do, I will only fish out the bad part of this movie.
So let's begin. We have a monologue, which is what I have just paraphrased above. Then we get this brazen assault on security personnel, in a military air base at Hong Kong. This turns out to be an assassination on specific targets. Check this out, it looks pretty elaborate and over-the-top, even at the time the movie was made. I mean, computerized identity goggles just to be sure of the exact target and yet they wipe out an entire aircraft? Isn't that just excessive? What's wrong with a noble sniper rifle?!

So after that, we get the opening credits. Right now we get the credits! I'm sorry but, this is bad editing: shouldn't there be opening credits right after the monologue? You can't just insert the credits in the middle of the movie; that is just premature and distracting. But if you think that's awkward, you will have a very hard time watching seizure-inducing openings; I mean come on, are you intentionally trying to deliver subliminal messages in this section?! Keep it still already! It's not even up to four minutes into the movie and I'm already getting nauseous! Steve Williams, you are certainly a "spaz", even for a visual effects supervisor.

So after all that riveting ride, we are taken to a room where our villain in the shadow is making deals a guy in a suit. (He's in charge of an international corporation called A6.) There is something I want to ask: if you meant to keep the fat guy in the shadow, why close in on him and reveal his face before zooming out again only to keep his identity hidden? Do you expect us to forget how he looks?!

The editing is bad where AL Simmons is killed and sent to hell. Next thing we get is a pitch-black screen. Uh, hello? What happens next? We are suddenly taken to an alley, yes, right after the pitch black! And Al is alive all of a sudden. No explanation as to how he was dead one minute ago and is alive and burnt to crisp the next minute. Right. And here's something that is a little inconsistent: a woman is freaked out by Al's appearance, but a little boy, called Zack (Miko Hughes), is not. Are you really trying to toy with a child's intelligence?!

And just as your anticipation for the anti-hero to demonstrate his new found powers was held on tenterhooks, you will be left dumb-founded when you see what he does instead. Yes, he scales the rooftop, flaunting his over-sized red cape even though he is obviously under the searchlight; then we see him about to assault two security henchmen, which has unfortunately been cut out so that we do not see him unleash his prowess of fury on them at all! What a let down! This part has been deliberately watered down, for what?! Where's the good in that?! And yes, he reveals his disfigured face for most of the time, instead of hiding behind the mask--as if anybody wants to see more of that already!
So spawn finally crashes the party, and we expect him to fulfill his vengeance. How does he do this? He doesn't. All he does is make himself known to Wynn, take it all out on his ex-best friend Terry Flitzgerald (D. B. Sweeney), and run about trying to avoid gunshots. Why does he carry guns? He's hellspawn for crying out loud, not The Punisher! Why doesn't he just kill everyone he knew was responsible for his death already?! Why doesn't he just use the powers of hell to pull it off??!!! This guy is one lousy actor. Why doesn't he just fly or teleport out of the scene to evade the police?

You know, I am really getting sick and tired of all the fire-based transitions. It's too much and getting out really fast. Hey, I even resent the idea to make it look like Wynn spat fire to initiate another repetitive transitional imagery.

So Spawn returns to the alley after the events back on the real world. Oh my goodness, why does he prepare to assault Zack's father with such ferocity when he doesn't deserve it, while he couldn't even put a scratch on the very villain directly involved in his death? Gosh, he certainly doesn't even know how to use his powers at the right place, or the right time! This guy's literally dead, both in his acting and in his appearance.

Now we come to this scene in an operation theater. Why is Wynn going under the knife? He's inserting a heart monitor--for what exactly? Is he having a heart disease from acting in this movie? I guess I could say that(!) But it is revealed that it is a safeguard against his death: should he be killed, his death will trigger a series of detonations across the globe, initiating the all prepared Armageddon that has been in hiatus for five years. Now, to a normal human being, inserting such a device into a person's body is at all times foolhardy: Wynn is going to die someday, so why go through with this anyway????!!!! I mean which hospital will allow this in the first place????!!!!!

So after that scene we see Clown's true form: The Violator. So, again, how does Spawn deal with this? That's right, he resorts to firearms, yes, firearms. Is this guy useless or what?! Guns against a demon from hell!!! Pathetic!!!! He is no match for The Violator.
Even the old guy in an overcoat and hat has to talk sense into this piece of turd's head. He lives in the past and constantly thinks about Wanda all the time. Seriously, he knows he's dead; why can't he just let it go already? At least he finally jettisons the useless arsenal of firearms.

Now he chases Clown on a motorcycle. Seriously, a motorcycle, while Clown is driving s maintenance truck? Why doesn't he just fly or teleport there in no time??!!! I mean look at that, he couldn't even harness the powers into the motorcycle. This is dreadful; rewriting the character into someone more incompetent than The Punisher is surely a disappointment!

Did to forget the mention the sporadic and randomly sudden transitions that have occurred in this movie. I mean, some scenes which were never meant to be shown just show up with no purpose at all, and then disappear again. No explanation, nothing to justify their presence.

Oh for goodness sake. Spawn makes his presence in Wanda's, just after Clown does. And despite those grotesque tricks Clown demonstrates with his eyes, Cyan still doesn't seem to be moved at all, and neither do the adults!!!!
While at it, he should be able to kill Jason Wynn; but he doesn't because the plan has been revealed. But Spawn is able to remove the device from him; so does he finally kill the SOB?! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE STILL DOESN'T!!!!  WHAT IS WITH THIS GUY??????!!!!!!!
Even the showdown in hell turned out to be a complete farce. The special effects are just a clod of bile! Nothing here was exciting enough for anyone to forget the previous treatment of whip-lashing. Hell was nothing more than a theme park from a mind of a drug addict.

So after that roller coaster of nausea, Clown has been defeated; Jason Wynn is apprehended; Wanda, Terry and Cyan spend the rest of their lives as a family; and Spawn, letting go of his past, decides to defend justice in the world.

What a piece of turd for a comic movie. I wasn't enough that this movie had to shred our expectations; we already had a moment of seizure inducing opening credits, but the end credits are even worst: flashing imagery, shaking scrolls and slanting texts. What a way to tamper with our patience after a pointless, plotless movie that makes no effort to develop any of the characters in the movie, including the very titular lead!!! This is one hell of a ride for us.


Right now, I am going to review the overall picture.
Well we start with the protagonist. Wasn't he wonderful(?) Certainly not! He was blunderful. I have never seen such a sappy excuse for an anti-hero. Throughout this movie, it's been "Stay away from Wanda!". This guy was just a whelp; not something people were expecting from such an iconic character. Even the demon Clown (John Leguizamo) thought this guy was just a joke. Spawn was nothing more than a mock-up of The Punisher. I have already been studying his profile, and found out that this whole Spawn universe was watered down! I may not be a fan of this guy but if you want to base a movie on the (super)hero in question, stay true to the elements in the source material, no matter what. Don't think that every child must watch this, so that it must be rewritten for their delight.

 

Throughout this film, its been about a battle between heaven and hell, and the devil (not Satan!) recruited Al Simmons to be a general to lead his army. What army? Seriously, I have seen more fearsome demons in different media, but these guys looked like party animals instead of the soldiers of hell! I mean, look at the realm: it did not look like the kingdom of darkness; it looked more like the jungle book to me! And speaking of the devil: every time he spoke his mouth never moved but looked as though he has lockjaw! Even my sister was derisory towards this movie; it was laughable to think that this was going to be a thrill.

 

For minutes upon minutes, we were expecting Spawn to at least show some character development. But no, it's been "Wanda" this, "Wanda" that. Rather than just move on and accept that he is already dead and [forgotten], he does not even show us the potential of the powers he possesses; he just uses guns, and only flaunts his cape on brief moments. Despite his vengeance against those who orchestrated his death, he only kills the female assassin but not Jason Wynn himself. Pathetic. He wasted his chance to kill the very perpetrator behind his death by just tossing him around like a cushion and not executing him.
He was said to have superhuman strengths, so why the BS did he not use them against his adversaries, or to accomplish his vengeance? This was the essence of character development. I have seen his bio: he was supposed to demonstrate his new-found powers on screen to outsmart his adversaries, including the police. But to our dismay, even the police outsmart HIM. In fact, it is mentor that does the job for him.

  

And just one question about this five-year-old Cyan: is there nothing on this planet that could frighten her to death? Really. When she first sees the disfigured Al Simmons in her backyard, how does she respond? She asks him "Want some candy?". Doesn't that ring any bells? (Think back to Predator 2.) She acts bold and unmoved whenever anything unusual encroaches, even if it threatens her parents! A five-year-old with a heart of steal?! You must be joking!



I have also learnt that the animated series, Todd McFarlane's Spawn, remained more faithful to the comics: it contained strong and extensive use of profanity, sexual scenes, and, most essentially, graphic violence. So if  an animated production could bear all these elements, why not the movie? Was this movie more interested in attracting the wider audience, including the young ones, hence diluting the whole plot, than staying true to the source material? Well, I must be straight. I am not somebody who can say anymore about this geek. As a newcomer I expected more from this guy and as a result of this failure, I shan't even give a toss about him.

Alien vs. Predator (2004)

Today, I am going to review a movie that brings together the two most lethal extraterrestrials in the universe, Alien and Predator. We have always remembered their rampant and violent crusades in their respective titles: Alien (1979), Aliens (1986), Alien3 (1992) and Alien Resurrection (1997), Predator (1987), Predator 2 (1990) and Predators (2010). Most of these titles have been received positively or negatively for one reason or another, and I am going to see why this very movie has been harshly derided.

So we start with an image of what appears to be a satellite in space: it appears to have found something in Antarctica and is beaming the findings back to a satellite receiving station, owned by the Weyland Industries. You've got to admit, that scene was very brief and very disturbing as far as those technicians' faces are concerned.

Now we suddenly jump to a scene in the Lho La Ice Fall, Nepal where we meet our female protagonist, Ms Alex Woods. While she climbs ice she receives a phone call from Maxwell Stafford. She has been requested on a mission, but she reminds him that she won't be able to make it in less than a week. But get this: Stafford has already been waiting for her at the very spot she was to alight! Now here's one question: how does a helicopter land where it cannot be seen without being heard at the same time?! I mean, this defies reality that helicopters hover so loudly that they can be heard over 1 km from the ground. This is beyond belief!

Now we are transferred to another location, Teotihuacan, Mexico. Here, a couple of down-on-their-luck archaeologists have been recruited by Stafford--looks like good things have come to them that wait! How does he even do it without drawing anyone's attention to himself, anyway?

So the team has been assembled to Antarctica, and what do we get? Cliched characters, all of whom I shan't give a damn about. We do not even get any suspense in this movie, the very thing that was prominent in both universes--what we get is a moment where, instead of a Predator or an Alien, we get a penguin. Really? Not what I think should be a part of this movie. And since when do penguins live far from the coastlines of the Antarctic?

So the team finally venture to the depths of the ice and find something never seen before. Yet, they all stand around like frozen people, not intrigued or anything. But if you think nothing intrigues them, look at what was inscribed onto the walls, only more cubist.
I mean come on, who would even think of that? That's like an exact design superimposed into the set.

And check this, some guy unknowingly steps on a stone which opens up a hatch that releases the Alien queen. And look around, fire is burning; can fire just burn perpetually without choking? I don't think so.

If you see the cover it is rated 15 (in the UK). But hang on a minute! The previous movies from their respective universes were always rated 18 (UK); so why the lower rating?! I thought to myself that there was going to be a dilution of the best things from the previous titles--gore, strong language, bloody violence, and horror. This has all been watered down for the younger audience: all just to make a quick buck.

We start at the beginning. You have to admit, the human characters do a very decent job in making me cringe with their blank faces, always pulling them as though they have facial spasms or something. Most of their dialogue is dry; even their swearing is somewhat dampened (the very essence of the Alien and Predator universe). If you constantly look at their faces, they look as though they have forgotten where they are and what their role is. We do not even see or hear about their presence in the beginning, and soon start to forget what this movie is called again. Instead, we have to sit through and listen to their banter, and forget why they are journeying into the depths of the Antarctic ice. (Wait, we already know. They are searching for the lost pyramid beneath the ice! Wow! Ever learned that in history before? Don't think so.)

What is not plausible is the geography. There were (and are still) no pyramids in the Antarctic when the continent was one with Australia. I already learned as a primary pupil that the earth was once known as Pangaea; this was when all the continents of the earth, lush and ice-free, were fused. Even after that, there was no Aztec-like civilization anywhere else on the planet than in South America. Neither can it just say that all three cultures--Egyptian, Cambodian and Aztec--have been occupying the temple. This movie cannot just rewrite history. This is one big distortion in history that should never have been allowed!
 

And since when is the aurora borealis visible in the southern hemisphere?! Why else would it be called the northern lights?!

After all that, we finally cut to a brief shot of, finally, the Predators suiting up for what they are known for! At last! I thought I was going to fall asleep before this point. But before we get to see their ferocious encounters, we are treated to more uninteresting dialogue, in which I will not be going into detail. Don't you wish that the so-called alien species would show up and start their bloodshed already? Isn't this movie called Alien vs. Predator? The boredom just keeps building up by the minute.

So the team finally venture to the pyramid and stumble unto the unexpected. We finally see what we have been eagerly anticipating: the Alien! But that has to wait as we now find another alien species to cause havoc: the Predator! Alright! Let these aliens steal the show already! We want to see the action as defined by the title! This is also the moment where the Predators prove how dumb and sloppy these human characters turn out to be. And you do have you ask yourself this: how do they even know how to read the calligraphy imprinted on the stone walls? All in three ancient languages?
We also find out that this large Alien is the queen of all Aliens. That's right, she lays all the eggs, and it's not a pretty sight to see! (This makes me squeamish and nauseated.)

If there is something that I find more annoying, it is the music that plays louder than any of the human characters can speak! I mean, it's hard to understand what they are saying when they are in a movie, isn't it? Sure the dialogues are just plain poorly thought out, but please at least we should hear something already. To top that up have to be their expressionless faces.

But there is more to this movie than the characters: the constant shifting of the stone structures. I have to be frank, that has to be innovative; a room that shifts like a Rubik's cube. How clever. That has to be a genuine special effect. It works more advanced than the Egyptian booby traps!

Again, whenever these walls within the pyramid shift, this is where the characters show slow or no rapid reaction to the situation. They all stand around like dummies until someone is trapped at the last minute. This is one hell of a lifeless ride with these douches around.

Another strange thing: did that wall with an Alien print just open and close according to the characters entry and exit respectively? I thought they were timed to automatically shift every ten minutes. (I still do not know how one of the characters was able to work that out!)

You have to be frankly harsh: these people just don't know when to elapse into a state of panic when they see something that they have never seen before in their entire life, or when their lives are in mortal danger! It is just laughable as they sit there waiting to be decapitated by Aliens before they switch on their panic button!

But at least you do get to enjoy the duels between the Alien and Predator--isn't that what the title of the movie implies? And don't forget the computer-enhanced effects, especially where the Predator medically examines a sick explorer (why he volunteered for this mission anyway is beyond me) for any illness on different spectra. Of course they have enhanced the graphic since their last debut in the previous years when the computers were still rudimentary. But one moment: how is it that in the 'flashback' Aliens swarm on a Predator, but in this case we hardly see the same thing progressively? And who would pay their money just to see 'an Alien making out with a Predator'?!!! (<gulp>)
But there is one big flaw this movie has to add: a human alliance with the Predator? No way! That goes against all that the fans of previous installments from respective universes had believed in. There is no way that there should be an alliance between the 'primitive' human and the ruthless, violent Predators! After what we have seen in the previous movies, IT JUST DOESN'T WORK!!! What was this movie's tagline? "Whoever Wins...We Lose " So such an alliance would be questionable. "The enemy of my enemy is my friend" my ass!!!

Ho, here it is; the boss lady wants to negotiate with the Predator! How is this going to work? Surely Predators are not the negotiating type. I don't know and I don't care. But we have seen how she does it, although it is not expected to be that easy. And why should it be? In both titles, the Predators make no contact with humans or reveal their whereabouts at all, except where a human adversary pursues him relentlessly; or if the Predator is intent on killing him personally, knowing that his adversary won't be able to tell of his existence. This one the Predator just forms an alliance with the boss lady.

Seriously, you have got to be kidding me! An Alien's head and tail for weapons! That is surely laughable. How will that help when the Alien queen is about to break loose and wreak havoc on the earth?!
Here's that infamous line that has reoccurred in the two previous Predator movies:

"You are one...ugly mother-!"
This one is not quoted adequately in this movie. It was poorly spoken. Fail. Oh yeah, it was just cut deliberate attempt to hide the infamous profanity, EVEN THOUGH THE PROFANITY WAS QUOTED PRIOR TO THIS MOMENT!!! Why slash and burn the very elements that made the previous titles so spectacular?!!! (Did the writers think the Alien could finish it for her?! Aliens do not talk!!!)

And there is one very big plot hole: the Alien's blood is highly corrosive--in fact so corrosive that it was evident in Alien that it could burn through every layer of metal on the ship. Yet in this movie, it doesn't cause the same amount of damage to organic tissues. This is one blatant plot hole.

Another one is this: the Alien queen was subdued when a water tower was tethered to her by the chain, and dragged underwater with her. Impossible. That tower looked as though it was empty and had not been in use at all in Antarctica. So how was all that possible?

Another point to add: recall the flashback where the Predators visit the ancient civilization. Would anyone swallow this tripe that it was they who taught the Aztecs how to build pyramids? And why would they bring the Aliens to earth? And who bound up the Alien queen in the first place? If she was there, how did she not wreak havoc on the earth prior to the hunt, even before the modern day?!

Who would think that the Predators would be called 'gods', even though it was they that initiated the hunt, Alien vs Predator, and annihilated all in existence if they lost? No one in this movie would even swallow all that crud! Not me in particular.

Well that concludes my review. If you have already seen the movie, it will do me justice by not revealing what happened after this showdown. So let me sum this up: the plot was thin, the characters were all lifeless, their acting was awkward and their dialogue was pretty tacky. Nevertheless, they were just served up for the monsters to prey on and decapitate when the time came. At least we can praise the special effects as an improvement since our last encounters form previous movies. Apart from all that, it was a pure disappointment.

Doom (2005)

The plot of Doom (the video game) revolves around the invasion by demons from hell, and the malignant efforts to drive them away. This all happens on Mars. Simple and straightforward. All this happens as an accident during an experiment in which a gateway is manipulated between the two moons, Phobos and Deimos. This gateway is how the demons came to invade Mars before preceding to Earth. Simple and straightforward as it is appropriate for a game that is so titled.
This movie, however, dwells on a virus which 'selectively' infects its hosts; turning them into vicious killers in the process. This all does take place on Mars. But I still have to question what the title really means when watching the movie. Were we to expect impeding doom on the earth, or just a series of silly excuses for video game simulations?
Let's begin anyway. So as usual we have a prologue (could you, please, make it audible for us, already?!). We are informed beforehand that there was a portal in the Nevada desert that leads to a lost civilization on Mars. It is said that no one knows why it is there or what happened to the people who built it. Well that was short and coherent.
So we cut to an aerospace station on Mars--after the Universal title card which shows Mars instead of its trademark earth image--and we zoom into where the horror is unleashed. As we can see, one by one each scientist is devoured by an unknown dangerous being; and what have we here, too? One of the doctors, Dr. Todd Carmack (Robert Russell), seals himself in a secure lab leaving one of the distressed scientists outside to be preyed on by the monster! How heartless! Just look at how he acts: he treats her like she's the monster. How unbelievably cowardly. During the relentless pursuit of the monster, he sends his message before getting done away with.



We progress into the camp of the Rapid Response Tactical Squad (R.R.T.S.) where we meet out main cast:

• Destroyer (Deobia Oparei)
• Mac (Yao Chin)
• Goat (Ben Daniels)
• Portman (Richard Brake)
• The Kid (Al Weaver)
• Duke (Raz Adoti)
• Sarge (The Rock)
• Reaper (Karl Urban)

They have been drafted in as response to the distress signal from Mars. And I do have to be frank: the repetitive computer voice is so irritating when it verifies the user ID of each and every soldier in the aircraft; "Handle ID" this, "Handle ID" that. It gives me such a headache.


They are taken to the Ark where they are then transported to Mars in seconds. You've got to admit it is pretty impressive. But not impressive if you see what would make you laugh or cringe: another character on Mars, named Marcus "Pinky" Pinzerowsky (Dexter Fletcher), appears to have lost his lower part of the body (his legs and his <ahem> posterior!) as a result of past turbulence during the transportation. Implausible, right? And is confined to an adaptable wheelchair, similar to a Segway. We also run into one of the UAC scientists, Samantha (Rosamund Pike), who is John "Reaper"'s sister.

It is from this point on that you get to see how ghastly their facial expressions are at some point, as well as their acting and dialogues, especially coming from Portman.

(You know, for a movie based on the video game of the same name, you never see anyone shoot from a first-person view, unless you are in the place of Pinky who happens to be viewing from the camera installed on each of their guns).

You can see the moments where the surviving Dr. Carmack is shuddering, or overacting, as though he is so scared of a fellow person, including a woman, who is trying to help him. What's with him and women?!

And there is Portman; how idiotic does he ever look when he grins and chuckles at times. It's so freaky, isn't it?

Oh yes. There is another guy called Goat, a "devote Christian" (?) who, after 'taking the Lord's name in vain' incises himself in the arm. Really? So he punishes himself for taking His name in vain? Sorry, dude. That doesn't resolve the matter.

Now back to Portman and The Kid: they find a naked woman, who turns out to the woman from the beginning of the film who lost her lower arm, and she is a monster chick. Hey? Why is she naked anyway? What's the point? And what does Portman report to Sarge?
"I think we found the rest of that arm."
What a funny way to answer.

You know one other thing: on top of the over-the-top acting by Carmack, the camerawork is also badly managed, including where they unnecessarily zoom in on his quaking mouth movements. Who needs that?
And get this, too: a monkey is found to be in a vent, and what do they do? Kill it with a machine gun! Talk about killing a fly with a bazooka! L.O.L.! They do not consider if it was infected or not! That would be pretty controversial.

But that's not as disturbing as what you're about to find out! Get this: whenever a monster attacks with the jaws, it fuses its tongue into the flesh as means of spreading the virus. I mean, whoa! That is immensely gross! And if at all you can see the monster, it looks like it's been in the sewer for too long, if you know what I mean!

With the first victim Goat down, you can just see more flimsy camerawork. It's so shaky in the scene where Goat is being defibbed. And again, we get more of Portman's sappy dialogue; and yes, when Sarge gets as serious as the impeding crisis, Portman should shut the hell up! He's so annoying!
While the RRTS are searching the vicinity for monsters, we come back to the lab. There, we see what is left of Goat's humanity as he tries to kill himself--and look how bizarrely he does it. I do not know what he continually runs into til he falls to his death. There is nothing visible that he impales himself with.

Here's another joke--a toilet joke! Portman wants to take a dump at a time when monsters are out and about wreaking havoc in the base. I hope he doesn't make any more mess when the monsters get him! And I certainly hope he cleans himself up afterwards.

And for a man called 'Destroyer', he certainly does no effort to destroy a monster that catches up to him and wastes him.

And just when you think things up here could not get any more bizarre, it is revealed to us that the virus that infects its host in the base, "chooses" whom to mutate into a monster and whom to enhance into a superhuman. It is said to respond to its host's behavior; and that is what determines how the virus manipulates the gene. Can't chew on this? No one can.

They all return to earth, and this is where things really get messy. The Sarge now is firmly obliged contain the infection by any means possible, even if it means to kill every living thing that walks. Doesn't this sound familiar? (Does 28 Weeks Later ring any bells?) Now Sarge, from this point, kills like a soulless psycho,  including The Kid, who happens to be on his first mission! W.T.F.!
And look what else is messy: the infected humans on the earth base, the zombies, just demonstrate their bad acting; and don't forget Sam's incessant screaming. You can tell from her horrified face how bad she makes the situation look. Moronic, more like.
Alright. After that grim travail, we finally reach the core element of the Doom video game: the first-person shooting. Why did it take so long to happen?! The very essence of the video game and it happens near the end. And again, it's the funny moment where monsters start coming for you instead of the person who is actually welding the weapon; and there is even one monster who welds an ax, another welds a chainsaw. This is where we have (un)intentionally hilarious moments. Sadly that has to end has we now revert back to third-person view; Reaper finally recovers Sam.

But there is now a final standoff, between Sarge and Reaper. It appears Sarge has also been infected, but hasn't turned into a monster. How come? Nothing is explained, and then we get a fight scene you would normally expect to find in Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat but not in Doom. But wait; why are they actually fighting in the first place? Do they have a bone to pick with or something?
Well, none of that is revealed to us; but we do see what happens eventually. The infected Sarge is jettisoned back to Mars, a grenade is thrown into the portal through which it destroys him; and Reaper and Sam leave the facility to escape all this nightmare.

There are major issues in this movie that every other video game movie has faced. In fact nothing in the movie reflects on the title from the game. In the game the player is treated to first-person shooting as he is faced with impeding doom from hell. In this movie, we get cheesy dialogue, laughable acting form the monsters in the Martian base, and the only time we see first-person view of shooting is near the end and not throughout the movie. This was the most crucial element lacking in the movie, and we didn't get enough of it all the way; we just got characters just mucking around like amateurs.

I may have not played the video game, but as a game it is the source material for the movie. The plot was incomprehensible, the explanation was difficult to digest, even the acting was nothing more than a cheap stunt. It was almost resembles a ripoff to the critically acclaimed British movie 28 Days Later (2002). Who would actually believe that a virus could actually 'select' which host to mutate and which to grant superhuman capabilities? I don't think the script writers bothered to revise this idea before finalizing it.



And get this, animal rights activists would be inflamed to see how various animals are brutally subjected to this cruelty, all in the name of making this garbage. I even have sympathy for the white mouse! Eek!






As with other video game movies, this one is a platter of untalented actors who do not even do their best to deliver to our expectations. I mean it was even evident from the beginning that they were going to make like cardboard cutouts rather than real people. I was just waiting for each and every one of them to be decapitated without pity.





 In all, this movie was just a joke. There was no doom, the acting was sub-standard, the dialogue was questionable, and the camerawork was just crude. The only good thing that came in the movie was the first-person shooting which was left to the near-end, and even for the credits! These people left this out for the end and left us with clunky bits for the duration of the movie. Not such a good example of a video game movie either.